I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize