I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
