I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
