Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
