im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
