just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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