It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
