Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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