textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
