I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so let's talk penis.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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