How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
