A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I puked a lego.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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