Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Randomize
