i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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