Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Randomize
