K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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