I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
