after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
