I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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