Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
