just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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