I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
