Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize