You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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