The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
