Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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