dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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