My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
