He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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