I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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