Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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