glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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