the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
