I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
