my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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