go do what you do best...puke behind churches
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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