I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
