I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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