I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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