Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
