My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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