Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
