When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
