Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
