It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
