my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
