ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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