Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
