I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
