when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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