hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You're like the curious george of whores
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
