Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
