I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
