I think i sorta joined a cult last night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
