Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
