omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
