I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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