his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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