If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize